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Columbia Pictures presents a Marvel Studios / Laura Ziskin production
Running time — 139 minutes / MPAA rating: PG-13

A disappointment. Spidey keeps his mask off and weeps. Everyone cries. I hated the silly monolith sad sack Sandman. Did Dunst’s contract stipulate she sing two songs?

I’m going to throw myself on my sword.

I dread, expect, and am prepared for the backlash from fans, but SPIDER-MAN 3 is a CGI-too-heavy, you’ve-seen-it-all-before, dud. I know it is rumored to have cost close to $500 million (including marketing and prints), and that might influence some, but not me. There’s no story here. And the lack of acting shows.

It takes a special skill as a director to get actors who cannot act to show emotion. Having them cry is the usual path, but isn’t it a cop-out? However, director Sam Raimi does have the abilities of a General to direct a high action/CGI production.

Spidey (Tobey Maguire) takes the mask off a lot. The mask is in the way of the star. It seems everyone living in Spideyland knows who is behind the mask except dear Aunt May (Rosemary Harris). Our Spidey cries often. Was weeping in everyone’s contract? Even the dog cried.

I did like the demonized black Spider-Man (because he did not cry and enjoyed himself). Spider-Man gets possessed and does bad things.

Perhaps he should have gone to the neighborhood exorcist.

Spidey is up against everyone: Eddie Brock (Topher Grace) who is not only Spidey’s rival, Venom, but Peter Parker’s competitor at the Daily Bugle. Then, there’s Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church) who turns into Sandman for no good reason. He’s unhappy and just wants to steal money to help his sick daughter! Harry Osborn (James Franco) is still struggling with his feelings for Peter (who keeps slipping in the homoerotic touches?) and will not let go of his Biblical obsession for his distant, dead father. He’s got an altar to him. Osborn becomes the invulnerable flying New Goblin, deluding himself that it is Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst) he loves while fixated on destroying Spider-Man. Nobody moves on.

Peter, when not being idolized by everyone in New York, is still in puppy-love happiness with MJ. But MJ is jealous – what about her career as a singer on Broadway? Having a relationship with a superhero has a downside. Nobody cares what you do! Especially since MJ, now insecure about her poorly, but rightly, reviewed Broadway opening, has gorgeous flirtatious Gwen (Bryce Dallas Howard) circling Peter and Spidey!

When a strange blob from space hits Earth, it happens upon only one person. Peter begins to transform and his little dark moments turn into full-blown psycho behavior. Ah, I get it! Black Spider-Man represents all our hidden, suppressed violent tendencies society has chained. It takes extraterrestrial goo (once known as Satan) to unleash the bad boy within! And once Peter gets a big dose of Black Spider-Man testosterone he becomes super-confident. Unfortunately, only he can feel the darkness pulsing through him. His disco dance for MJ (admit it, this is exactly what you would do to make your ex-girlfriend jealous), and Tony Manero stroll through Manhattan, only make the ladies cringe.

Maguire has said he wanted more Black Spider-Man, but he just can’t deliver the evil. In fact, he’s rather ridiculous.

Dunst has said that there couldn’t be more SPIDER-MAN movies without her, Tobey, or director Sam Raimi. She believes the fans are too loyal to let anyone else play the role she created. Someone has to have a talk with Dunst’s agent. Unless MJ turns into a she-devil arch-villainess, what can be done with her character in S-M 4, 5 and 6?

Well, the hoopla and praise doesn’t seem to have impressed Maguire, who wants to leave the role behind, or Raimi, who is interested in the future franchise called THE HOBBITT.

If there was new CGI developed specifically for SPIDER-MAN 3, why is there a rehash of Spidey and New Gollum – I mean Goblin – flying down through 900 miles of Manhattan skyscrapers? The technology for Sandman might be impressive and the character may very well be beloved, but Sandman has no personality. How does Marko feel to be a walking sand pit? Where does he go to sleep? Raimi’s team wasted money on a gigantic pit of sand.

SPIDER-MAN 3 is critic-proof, so relax and enjoy it – if you can!

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Credits:
Director: Sam Raimi
Screenwriters: Sam Raimi & Ivan Raimi and Alvin Sargent
Screen story: Sam Raimi & Ivan Raimi
Based on the Marvel Comic book by: Stan Lee and Steve Ditko
Producers: Laura Ziskin, Avi Arad, Grant Curtis
Executive producers: Stan Lee
Kevin Feige, Joseph M. Caracciolo
Director of photography: Bill Pope
Production Designers: Neil Spisak, J. Michael Riva
Editor: Bob Murawski
Visual effects supervisor: Scott Stokdyk
Costume designer: James Acheson
Music: Danny Elfman, Christopher Young

Cast:
Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Tobey Maguire
Mary Jane Watson: Kirsten Dunst
Harry Osborn: James Franco
Flint Marko/Sandman: Thomas Haden Church
Eddie Brock/Venom: Topher Grace
Gwen Stacy: Bryce Dallas Howard
Capt. Stacy: James Cromwell
Aunt May: Rosemary Harris
J. Jonah Jameson: J.K. Simmons