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Better than the original since a 30-year-old Mia Farrow runs off with the deaf-mute Antichrist and the movie.

The original THE OMEN was way back in 1976 – an ancient artifact in this modern age of internet movies and digital face-lifts.

When Katherine Thorn’s (Julia Stiles) baby dies in childbirth in Rome, her husband Robert (Leiv Schreiber – what a peculiar face he has for movies!) agrees to substitute another newborn without telling her. But, like I always say about the mothers (and let’s not forget the dumb “I didn’t know he had a secret dungeon in the basement” wives) of serial killers, mothers always know when their kids have the demon seed in them.

Not that it takes much soul-searching to know six-year-old Damien (Shamus Davey-Fitzpatrick) is weird. He apparently has not “bonded” with either parent. And Katherine cannot tell he doesn’t resemble either of them. By a not-so-unhappy happenstance, Robert easily moves from assistant to Ambassador to Britain. As Ambassador, Robert doesn’t have a staff, responsibilities, or a full-schedule. He must think uncommunicative Damien is just quiet. He barely looks at the kid and doesn’t have a clue Damien is planning world-domination through the Evil of Politics.

I had dinner with a Las Vegas Exorcist on Wednesday. He calls demon-extracting – what he does – “Deliverance.” (I also know a few people who do “Depossession” work.) He has done over 4,000 “deliverances.” Since Las Vegas is truly “demon-haunted,” he has his hands full. Later, as I walked alone through two casinos heading for the VIP media night opening of another topless revue, I was pleased that my new acquaintance confirmed my belief that “Sin City” was indeed infested with demons sucking the life-force from gamblers, drunks, drug users and sex-trolling tourists.

This is why I bathe in holy water, drink John of God bottled water, and wear a necklace of first-class relics. And instead of chaining myself to a slot machine, I constantly finger Buddhist prayer beads that keep my mantra apace. I take no chances living in “Las Sodom.”

When Damien’s young nanny gives him a very special birthday present, the creepy mood in the Thorn home suddenly escalates. Turning six on June 6, 2006 is, as the Buddhists say, “auspicious.”

Let’s coin a new term. Turning six for Damien was “negatively auspicious.”

A new nanny must be found to keep Damien from bothering to learn how to feed himself, and Mia Farrow turns up as the digitally perfect familiar, Mrs. Baylock,
to watch over the Spawn of Satan. She has impeccable credentials: she helped raise Uday Hussein (but turned down new poppa Donald Trump).

Not only is the Catholic Church hiding the truth about Jesus Christ’s marriage and offspring, they are also helping the Spawn of Satan position himself as the next world leader. It has something to do with making sure The Book of Revelations is not merely desert hallucinations. They even killed the Thorn’s baby with a sledgehammer to the head to guarantee the prophecies move forward!

What’s next? Did Jesus fake his own crucifixion? Of coursed he did. I’m reading the fictitious new book called “The Jesus Papers” right now that claims Jesus either (a) staged his own crucifixion or (b) duped someone else to be crucified in his place! Then he skedaddled off to Cairo and opened a carpet shop.

Bringing the story up to speed was a good idea and, frankly, yep, I’m convinced now, we are living in The End of Days.

Except for Schreiber (gossip says he ‘s a blowhard “Artiste”) who, though playing an exceptionally bright diplomat, walks around dumbfounded, the cast is first-rate. Farrow hits the right seductive note in thrall to mute Damien and Stiles shows her contempt and fear of her “son.” She knows in her heart he’s not hers, but the Thorn’s marriage is so frail, she can’t communicate to her distant, authoritative husband.

If you are too young to remember the original THE OMEN, or have been too busy making your own My Space videos to troll through decades-old movies, this “Omen” is another slick Hollywood bashing of Catholicism – a tool of Satan.

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Directed by John Moore
Written by David Seltzer

Cast:
Liev Schreiber … Robert Thorn
Julia Stiles … Katherine Thorn
David Thewlis … Keith Jennings
Mia Farrow … Mrs. Baylock
Pete Postlethwaite … Father Brennan
Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick … Damien
Michael Gambon … Bugenhagen