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Film Reviews

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

By • Jun 24th, 2009 •

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I hated every 149 minutes. This is so bad it’s immoral. Michael Bay is a time-sucking vampire who will feast off your lost time. This is why the movie is so long.

This movie is terrible. Because there is no story, I’m just going to enumerate 20 of the 149 things that were horribly wrong with TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN.

1. There is no story.

2. The parents are embarrassing slapstick cartoons.

3. Megan Fox keeps her clothes on.

4. Michael Bay fixed Ben Affleck’s wonky teeth but keeps Shia LaBeouf’s wonky nose.

5. Steve Jablonsky’s music score steals from THE BLACK KNIGHT. The music is horror movie ominous while the action is silly.

6. The only dialogue not lifted from other movies was “I’ll be back.”

7. The Decepticons and Autobots destroy The Great Pyramid of Khafre at Giza, poop on The Sphinx, and The Temple Complex of Karnak in Thebes. The Autobots damage The Treasury in Petra, Jordan.

(I was sent Bay’s scribbled napkin notes for TRANSFORMERS 3. He plans on destroying The Rock of the Dome Mosque, The Church of the Holy Sepulchre and, for good measure, the entire town of Bethlehem.)

8. Did I really hear an Autobot say: “Ah-ah, I know what you’re thinking, punk. You’re thinking, “Did he fire six shots or only five?”

9. The thingie Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is looking for is called “The Matrix.” We’ve heard that one before. Couldn’t the writers come up with something original?

10. Optimus Prime still doesn’t have a personality.

11. I did like the obvious homoerotic subplot between Leo (Ramon Rodriguez) and Simmons (John Turturro).

12. Rainn Wilson overplays the fool.

13. Megan Fox doesn’t act, or need to. At least she has a sense of humor about it. At 23 years old, Fox has 10 years before she is expected to deliver a performance. She is a plastic surgery masterpiece. She is gorgeous. How much did that lip lift, breast implants, facial resurfacing, nose job, and liposuction cost her benefactor? And a Bull-Horn Lip Lift or the Gull-Wing Lip Lift (procedures that allow for more upper tooth to show when the lips are slightly parted) looks lousy unless you have a full set of ultra-white veneers. A veneer costs $2,000 or more per tooth. Even in Mexico!)

14. The Autobots use naughty language! How daring! Will children be able to handle it without counseling?

15. The Decepticons have submissive slaves and the Autobots serve humans. How creepy is this?

16. Bay may make another blockbuster at the box office, but after the screenings, will he still have fans?

17. When I finally realized the Decepticons wanted to destroy our sun, I wanted them to.

18. I liked Alice (Isabel Lucas). Clearly she was cast to keep Megan Fox in her submissive, but mouthy, place.

19. What the hell was Starscream?

20. The battle scenes sucked.

A critic colleague: “Do you think Michael Bay f**ked Megan Fox?

Me: “Plenty. And, by binding contract, all his fat, rich old buddies too. At least that is how I would cast my movies.”

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