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I’ve read all the pre-publication news about the explosive theories offered in Andrew Morton’s new book on Tom Cruise. Mainly, that the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise baby might have been conceived using L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm! However, regarding that prominent rumor that has dogged Cruise for years, Mr. Morton lays it to rest in the very first sentences of his unauthorized tell-all:

“If truth be told, Tom Cruise Mapother IV has always been something of a ladies’ man. Sweethearts, girlfriends, lovers, and wives; it has been a rare day in his life when he has not been wooing, wowing, or wedded to a young woman.”

Every girlfriend, childhood crush, toddler playmate, neighbor, and co-star has been interviewed. All of them praise the heterosexuality of Tom Cruise. Is this book a hatch-it job? I say no. Anything new in it? No. Mr. Morton has uncovered every story ever written about Cruise and re-reported it.

Is Tom Cruise the Number Two Man in Scientology as Mr. Morton says? Well, what is wrong with that? In fact, I am appalled at the unfair criticism of his religious beliefs but, let’s not forget, mockery spread Christianity. And once Emperor Constantine saw its advantages and made Christianity the state religion, history radically changed course. Why not get the most famous person in the kingdom as a spokesperson? Who lured the most influential person in the Roman Empire to the Cross?

Obviously, Scientology has worked for Tom Cruise. He’s seen the light and now feels obligated to tell the world.

At least the media’s attention on Cruise takes the heat off my personal savior, Jesus Christ. He’s been denounced by scholars as a phony, a charlatan who faked his own death, secretly married with a daughter, and a magician who hoodwinked peasants with fancy slight-of-hand tricks. Anti-Jesus scholars want everybody never to forget he was a peasant who died a degrading death naked on a cross.

If it wasn’t for promoter and public relations specialist St. Paul, who scholars say was the true architect of the new religion, there would be no Christianity.

Tom Cruise is the St. Paul of Scientology. And like St. Paul, he has become the object of ridicule.

Only Buddha – who created a religion without a God at its helm – seems to be beyond reproach. That taint of polygamy, magic underwear, and miraculous gold plates still haunts Mormons. Lutherans have to contend with founder Martin Luther “pooping” out Satan. Kabbalah has Madonna.

With Mormonism’s 12 million baptized followers worldwide wearing magic underwear, I say: “What is so weird about Scientology’s Xenu?”

Tom Cruise has become the face of Scientology. He is not using Scientology for his own aggrandizement or personal gain. He believes in its teachings and says it works for him.

Isn’t it shocking that as a society we have certain rights – except Tom Cruise’s right to talk about his religion. He is not the leader of a Fundamentalist cult or child-slavery sect. He’s not living off Church’s donations.

After becoming the most successful, famous and rich movie star in the world, the next step is to spearhead a religion.

My only problem with Scientology is you have to denounce all other religious beliefs and it costs $500,000 to advance to Level VIII.

Mr. Morton has found a lot of disgruntled former Scientologists to dish the dirt. But what exactly is Scientology? Anything good in it?
Mr. Morton is not a psychologist but a reporter and he has dug up every internet blog and tabloid report on Cruise. What I am amazed at is how Scientology has grown into such a billion dollar religion. Scientology is the religion for very rich people. They haven’t set up free churches in Darfur.

Mr. Morton has done a lot of research on Tom Cruise. If dedicated Scientologists want to believe Tom’s baby Suri was the product of L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm, is it any more wacky than God talking face-to-face with Moses, or the Son of God laboring as a carpenter?
(L. Ron Hubbard is widely rumored to have said: “The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion.” Have we all forgotten that Moses – who led the Jews out of slavery, unleashed the Ten Plagues against Egypt, wandered around with the freed slaves for forty years in the desert, and laid down the law given to him from a Burning Bush on Mount Sinai – fled after murdering an Egyptian overseer? He was a fugitive from justice before he became a prophet.)

I brought a $20 DVD player at WalMart and listened to Tom Cruise: The Unauthorized Biography on my long plane trip to China. It was a perfect diversion.